This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman
In a brand new
Cadillac
Doing 65 mph
With her
Face up next to her
Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
My electric shaver,
Which knocked
The donut
Out of my other hand.
In all
The confusion of trying… Continue
Added by Wayne on November 17, 2009 at 3:57pm —
1 Comment
T H E I T A L I A N E L B O W
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. Widda you elbow, pusha button 301.
I buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is ona the right. Get in, and widda you elbow, pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mmona left.
Widda you elbow, hitta my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy. But why am I h… Continue
Added by Wayne on November 15, 2009 at 11:34pm —
No Comments
This short film depicts the strength and resources of the Royal Canadian Air Force, with its 32 overseas squadrons. It includes footage that explains the Allied air strategy of hitting the German army's nerve centres and features Canadian airplanes destroying a German munitions train.
http://www.nfb.ca/film/train_busters/Continue
Added by Doug Kimsey on November 15, 2009 at 12:32pm —
No Comments
Need a chuckle??
Number One Idiot of 2005 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I… Continue
Added by Wayne on October 30, 2009 at 7:15pm —
No Comments
Deaf Sex
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one t… Continue
Added by Wayne on October 24, 2009 at 8:47pm —
No Comments
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'I'll tell you,
that was a damned fine sermon, reverend. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
.......................................................
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find… Continue
Added by Wayne on October 20, 2009 at 11:09pm —
No Comments
A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another
passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.
"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a good place
to be today."
He boards the aircraft but doesn't see the Pope. so he figures that
maybe the other passenger was wrong. He takes his seat and is thankful
that there is an empty seat next to him. Just before the aircraft
doors are closed the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him. I am
surely blessed the ma… Continue
Added by Wayne on October 18, 2009 at 10:30pm —
No Comments
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
(Loved this one!)
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a… Continue
Added by Wayne on October 9, 2009 at 4:54pm —
No Comments
The economy is so bad
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf..
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their… Continue
The name's just Fred.....
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so
he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case… Continue
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'whoops' and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he's good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the… Continue
Added by Wayne on September 29, 2009 at 7:45am —
1 Comment
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