PENDING MARRIAGE
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and was usually bra-less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she cou…
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Added by Wayne on November 22, 2009 at 7:06pm —
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A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since…
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Added by Wayne on November 22, 2009 at 4:15pm —
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A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since…
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Added by Wayne on November 22, 2009 at 4:15pm —
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One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my
sister's hobuse for the traditional feast. Knowing
how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed
something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of
the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,
and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the
turkey out of…
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Added by Wayne on November 22, 2009 at 3:14pm —
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THINGS YOU ONLY CAN SAY ON THANKSGIVING
I thought this was hilarious!!!
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in..…
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Added by Wayne on November 22, 2009 at 2:33pm —
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This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman
In a brand new
Cadillac
Doing 65 mph
With her
Face up next to her
Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
My electric shaver,
Which knocked
The donut
Out of my other hand.
In all
The confusion of trying…
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Added by Wayne on November 17, 2009 at 3:57pm —
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T H E I T A L I A N E L B O W
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. Widda you elbow, pusha button 301.
I buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is ona the right. Get in, and widda you elbow, pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mmona left.
Widda you elbow, hitta my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy. But why am I h…
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Added by Wayne on November 15, 2009 at 11:34pm —
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Added by Wayne on November 11, 2009 at 7:25pm —
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Need a chuckle??
Number One Idiot of 2005 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I…
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Added by Wayne on October 30, 2009 at 7:15pm —
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Deaf Sex
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one t…
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Added by Wayne on October 24, 2009 at 8:47pm —
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A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'I'll tell you,
that was a damned fine sermon, reverend. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
.......................................................
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find…
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Added by Wayne on October 20, 2009 at 11:09pm —
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A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another
passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.
"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a good place
to be today."
He boards the aircraft but doesn't see the Pope. so he figures that
maybe the other passenger was wrong. He takes his seat and is thankful
that there is an empty seat next to him. Just before the aircraft
doors are closed the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him. I am
surely blessed the ma…
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Added by Wayne on October 18, 2009 at 10:30pm —
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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
(Loved this one!)
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a…
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Added by Wayne on October 9, 2009 at 4:54pm —
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The economy is so bad
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf..
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their…
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Added by Wayne on October 7, 2009 at 4:53pm —
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The name's just Fred.....
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so
he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case…
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Added by Wayne on October 3, 2009 at 4:36pm —
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A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'whoops' and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he's good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the…
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Added by Wayne on September 29, 2009 at 7:45am —
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DOG IN HEAT
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your d…
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Added by Wayne on September 28, 2009 at 11:05pm —
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T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside
who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as
sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again says, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided…
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Added by Wayne on September 25, 2009 at 10:17pm —
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A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.......The
cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look
at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to
take a look at this?'
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc,
look at thi…
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Added by Wayne on September 12, 2009 at 7:32pm —
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A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can
You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You do…
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Added by Wayne on August 20, 2009 at 1:21pm —
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